The Human Condition

"Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep alone under the stars. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you're doing here." Eve Ensler


I've always been looked at as the wise one. The advice-giver. The psychiatrist. However, if you can't tell by everything I've written in the last year, I've needed a little boost for myself lately. I've spent the last day totally by myself, and it's actually been quite nice. This is how I used to spend almost everyday. Tonight, however, it seems strange. It's really weird to go from being so fine with yourself that you can literally live in a tent in the woods alone, to being ready to pull your hair out after 24 hours with no one to hang out with. What happened to that person who loved being alone? That person who lived by herself by choice and left everyone and everything behind without thinking twice? I want that person back desperately.


When I was alone all the time my phone still rang, and as a result of choosing to do my own thing it's rang less and less often. 


Most days, it doesn't ring at all.


I have no one to blame but myself. Sacrificing tangible, normal, everyday life and relationships is the cost of doing what I have over the past few years. Even though I had boyfriends before, I had no plans of taking them onto whatever my next thing was. And I surely didn't plan on my next thing being a serious boyfriend. Isn't this what normal people do? They find someone they love, integrate them into their lives, and then that's that? I guess I am horrified of what could happen after.


I really miss being all I needed. I had the most beautiful freedom and peace in my heart back then. I was more attractive to people, more kind, and it was in that frame of mind that I met the love of my life, Blaine. I am fighting and searching through a lot of dark things and places for that woman. I've promised myself it is who I am at my core, and as hard as she was to find, she was that easy to lose. I became that girl after being absolutely fed up, after reaching a breaking point where an awful crust that had developed around me just exploded off.


I can think of a few points on the map that have lead me to where I am. A couple of forks in the road, that if I had gone the other way, I would be somewhere completely different. It's sort of a dangerous way of thinking, but I almost always obsess over what that different place might be like. That kind of thinking leaves you feeling no satisfaction in most aspects of life. Always wanting more is a sickening feeling

Troof.

I drink good coffee every morning

Comes from a place that's far away 

And when I'm done I feel like talking

Without you here there is less to say

I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky'
Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew

That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs 

I just don't think I'll ever get over you 

When you run, make sure you run to something, and not away from...

cause' lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you down.

I've landed again. This time it's not in those small Mountains of West Virginia or North Carolina, but in those big bitches called the Rockies. What you see above is Denver, folks. My new home town, for now. Boone turned out to be exactly what I thought it was, a small mountain town full of wanna be hippies, small minded locals, and just a handful of people I may ever think about speaking to again. It sure sounded good on paper, but being snowed in all winter and having jack shit to do all of the time except drink yourself into oblivion turned out to not really be my cup of tea. Or rather, vodka. I guess I should be thankful that I didn't enjoy that. Sure, things warmed up, we found a little cabin on a mountain, and got ourselves hooked up with a decent rafting company on the Nolichucky, but even that wasn't going to make me happy there. That being said, we left. It took Blaine and I about 10 minutes to decide where we were off to next, because when you don't tie yourself down somewhere, well, it's just that easy to leave. This is something I've been trying to explain to people for sometime now. The amount of shit people have given me since I finally left Columbus for good is unreal. I get treated as though I still live there and just don't hang out anymore, or something. It's actually made it really awkward to come home, which is a new feeling that I don't know what to do with. I can't say that I'm sorry I'm not around anymore. I've been off doing what we all used to sit around drinking beers and talking about. I'm the one that packed my car and drove across the country just to do it. I'm the one that lived in a tent on the side of a gorge for a summer. I'm the one that got sick of listening to myself bitch about my job and my life, and decided to make some changes. Is that hard to understand? I'm sorry that I'm not sorry about not being around anymore. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, I'm that person that had to get out and go chase whatever the proverbial "dream" is. And you know what? I still haven't found it. With this last move I think I finally realized that I probably never will. This summer turned out to be rather dull for me in spite of moving here. I didn't get a whole lot of river time, only made it out to the mountains a few times, and had literally the worst luck with jobs I've ever had in my life, leaving us basically dirt poor and with not a lot of options for entertainment. We made it out to 'the number 1 nightclub in North America,' Beta, a few times for a few good shows, closed out Global Dance Festival onstage at Red Rocks with LMFAO, and killed it at MSTRKRFT last weekend, so I wouldn't say it was a total bust. It just wasn't the first summer in Colorado I was hoping for, you know? I guess I tend to romanticize things a lot, but when we were getting together the plans to move here....a cross country road trip, stops to visit both of our families, packing our whole life into a car and just going for it...it all just sounded so much better than how it actually happened. Let me explain something about Denver. When driving in from the east, you basically drive through nothingness, then there will be a small city like Omaha, then some more nothingness, then you get into Colorado, and there's more nothingness, then all of a sudden you're in Denver...but you're not out in the mountains. You can see the Rockies from Denver, but you're a solid 20 minutes away from them. Upon arriving here, it felt kind of like we stopped short of my imagined destination....the mountains, obviously. Denver is very flat. It doesn't really look like what you imagine Colorado to look like at all. It's like a small Phoenix, and that kind of doesn't sit well with me. I'd love to move to Golden, and I guess when I  was picturing what it would be like to actually live in Denver, I was picturing Golden. I had been to Denver before, but I guess I wasn't thinking about living there when I was there, so I remembered only the really pretty and awesome parts of it. It's that whole idea that visiting somewhere and living somewhere are totally different. That, and it's the fact I'll probably never be totally happy anywhere. I like it here though, and if we could just scoot a leeeetle bit closer to the mountains, I think I'd love it here. The fact of the matter, and perhaps the most important thing I've learned over the past few years, is your bullshit follows you everywhere you go, and changing your scenery doesn't equate to changing your life. I've got some soul searching to do, and really need to stop making scenery changes and start making internal changes. I think once I quit running away from myself again I'll be happy regardless of where I'm at, and that internal peace may be the "dream" I've been after all along.

I guess I should start this thing.

It's been awhile since I've written anything. I've been away. I'll use that as my excuse, if I need one, which I really feel like I don't anymore. I let myself get lost in my whole new life, and I've loved it. I've been so happy I haven't needed to go inside my head and sort out the messes daily like I used to. But for some reason tonight has been different. I got up after trying to sleep for awhile in a horrible mood. I haven't had any kind of mood that's been anything but great in a long time, and it's in these moods that I find myself going back inside my brain and needing to sort things out. I think I'm just missing my people. I haven't seen my mom since March, I don't remember the exact last time I saw Lauren, B-ry, my dad...


I've got a massively huge heart, and it's got a shit ton of people in it. I am loving being here in Boone with Blaine. The last thing I was looking for when I met him was someone that I was going to fall hard enough for that I'd up and change my whole world just to be with. But I did, and he's it. We've got that shit that people write songs about. It's good shit. Worth a life change, a move, and missing all of the other people I've got in this massively huge heart of mine. But sometimes I just need to drink some cheap wine with Lauren and shoot the shit. Sometimes I just need to visit uncle Fred with Schnook and laugh until I cry. Sometimes I need to get drunk with my little brother and tell him how much cooler than me he's turned out to be. It's just those things that I sometimes need that I can't ever do here, and I think it's finally getting to me.


I've been lucky enough to have an adventurous life. I recognize that the things I do and see on a regular basis are things some people never get to do or see. I don't take any of that for granted. I've made the decision to not let myself be tied down to Columbus just because the majority of the people I love are there. I can always go home, and I think that's maybe what I need to do. I need a solid week, then I'll be ready to go again. I think the whole feeling of "home" is something I've been without for so long that it's kind of really all I'm after lately. I want Boone to feel like home. I'm never anywhere long enough to submerge myself, and that's what I want to do here. The town reminds me of Flagstaff, AZ, which is somewhere I've always wanted to live. With views like this:

I don't think it will be too difficult to adapt to. Even the downtown area looks near identical to Flag:

So I think I'm going to give this place a shot. I'm a huge commitment-phobe, and committing myself both to a new boy and a new place all in a matter of one summer is kind of nuts for me. I am going to do my best to not psych myself out and take off again in three months. I think the fact that Blaine is so unique and so awesome will help me stick around. I don't think I can find another one of him anywhere else. 


I'm going to stop my Blaine ranting before it gets too gay. People don't want to read that shit. So back to this shit mood I woke up in. It's gone. Messes sorted. I guess I've just felt a little bit like Alice, post- Wonderland today and I can't shake it. Maybe I'm not supposed to shake it, maybe I'm supposed to get in the car and drive my ass to Lauren's front door and stay up late drinking cheap wine until it all feels right again. I need a good BOMA show, a drunk OSU tailgating morning, a couple nights in Lauren's Florida room with everyone that matters, and I think after that I will feel normal again.


I think I need to go home.